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Онемяла есен. Нищо. Празнота.
Никога не се вълнувах колко е тих света досега.
Колко много малки мълчания има между две казани думи. Между два проблясъка щастие.
Мълчание родено от илюзии… Нищо. Празнота.
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Сподавени чувства се смесват във въздуха. И в следващата глътка - поглед встрани, полет, страст на виелици; след това - сън в облаците.
Преди можех да танцувам заедно с чувствата, които горяха в мен. Горяха.
И преди да се усетя хуквах отново след едни очи, които ме потапяха в безвремие.
Да имам нощ и ден, в които да напиша най-красивото писмо.
Да имам улиците да го дам на онзи специален някой, който се е вселил в чувствата.
Да обичам до безумие, че да не го пусна да си тръгне дори, когато съдбата сама го тласка далече от мен, и до безкрайност - да го обичам докато ми свършат силите, дори той отдавна да си е отишъл.
А сега съм празно огнище. Без помен от огън, и от някакъв живот, който е вървял по своите незнайни пътища. В своите незнайни проблеми се е спъвал и после ставал, летял. В някакво дадено време.
Омагьосвал. Извивал се в смях. Дори мълчал. Някакъв живот. Моя живот.Забравих миналото си.
И в него всички начини да бъда щастлива. Търся.
А преди бях друга.
Казваха “не”, аз казвах: “добре” и горда, макар и наранена, продължавах смело да вървя, до някакви нови мечти… Уви. Никога всъщност не бях стигала отвъд болката. Както сега. Озъбени облаци пият кръвта ми. Злобна тишина и моят вик в нея.
Но сега мълчах. Когато той си тръгна.
И още повече мълчах. Когато приятелите си тръгнаха.
Не казах нищо, щом музите отлетяха. Но не се усмихнах повече.
Продължавах да стискам зъби срещу всички думи, срещу онзи вик “Не мога!”, който предполагаше поне самата да се върне.
Мълчах. Когато лятото си тръгна с питащи очи.
Мълча и сега, сред листата. Само се питам какво може да направи болката, когато твърде много е валяла върху един човек. И върху най-силния даже. Дори върху най-самотния човек на света.
Какво ли мога да направя аз, оплетена в толкова кръгове бeзмислици. Щом падне една дълга, зимна нощ.
Когато в мен има само мисли, неизминати, безсмислени пътища.
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